Intimacy

Intimacy.

It's what everybody wants. It's what hardly anybody seems to have. And, sadly, it's what too many of us are avoiding. Intimacy is a beautiful idea, but an elusive reality, as well as the gateway to pain, rejection, risk, heartache, and deep joy.

Intimacy is also the context for The Talk with your kids and teens about sex. Intimacy is both what leads to sex and flows from sex. Intimacy was designed by God to lead to marriage and give joy to a marriage. So when you go to talk to your kids and teens about sex, you'll want to keep it in the context of marital intimacy. Which means you'll want to consider what kind intimacy exists in your home. The more authentic you can be as you have conversations about intimacy and sex, the more effective you'll be as a parent.

This might all seem a little to idealistic. It may be. But ideas about intimacy flows out of a reflection on this poem taken from Song of Songs:

Place me like a seal over your heart, 

like a seal on your arm;
for love is as strong as death, 

its jealousy unyielding as the grave. 


It burns like blazing fire,
like a mighty flame.

Many waters cannot quench love; 

rivers cannot sweep it away.

If one were to give 
all the wealth of one’s house for love, 

it would be utterly scorned.

Here we have a few phrases from a love poem, the words of the woman, reflecting on the intensity of the desire for intimacy with her husband-to-be. The desire for intimacy, the experience of intimacy is powerful and surging and dangerous. And it is good. A husband and wife come together and build their marriage on their passions and decisions flowing from their budding intimacy.

But then...

Everybody is avoiding intimacy. This is not to deny that at some level they are longing for it, but the problem is that they are also hurting for it. ... [they are] avoiding intimacy... half of them have been brought up in broken homes and are disabled from intimacy.

Does that sound like anyone you know? If you didn't see much intimacy growing up in your home, how are you supposed to cultivate it for your own home? Where you do you learn intimacy if not from your folks? Popular culture becomes the most influential teacher on intimacy, followed maybe by the chatter of high school. Not all understandings and expectations of intimacy are valid, some are toxic, some are unrealistic, some are fantasy. It may sound crazy, but this is why so many people turn to the Scriptures for wisdom on intimacy.

The Song of Songs invites readers to summon up the strength to take the risk. The Song gives expression to intrinsic human needs. It presupposes the human need for loving-recognition and acceptance, for the sense of being special, which makes self-acceptance more possible.

The Song invites readers to recognize that relationships are always on the way and continue to involve risk. They cannot be taken for granted.

They also raise the question whether people can rekindle love when the flame seems to have gone.

People do find security in a love relationship that leads to marriage, but once they take that for granted, they may imperil it.

Part of the thrill of the not-yet-married relationship is its not-yet-ness. It has the excitement of being on a journey. This is also one of the attractions of having an affair.

So there is a sense in which couples need to not take each other for granted, and need to see themselves as still on the way.

One image in the poems is that of wanting to get away from everyone else, and couples need that.

~John Goldingay, Key Questions About Christian Faith: Old Testament Answers, pgs 315-6

There's some rich material here for me to hear and contemplate and put into action.

Can husband and wife rekindle intimacy? It is possible.

Are you taking your spouse for granted?

What are some goals and plans for the near as well as distant future you and your spouse can set for yourselves and your family? Being still on the way helps restore opportunities for intimacy.

When's the last time you and your spouse were able to get away and enjoy each other?

Here's a thoughtful definition of intimacy: Giving loving-recognition and acceptance, fueling the sense of being special, making self-acceptance more possible. What could you do to foster more intimacy in your own home according to this definition?


Asking thoughtful questions  and getting wisdom from the Scriptures can be very helpful as you try to figure out how to stop avoiding intimacy, how to kindle intimacy, and how to pass it on to the next generation. So is seeing a wise counselor. And being part of a friendly church community that can help your family nurture healthy intimacy. Building friendships with some wise, mature, Christian couples can be helpful. Praying for this kind of stuff is the kind of prayers God loves to answer.

Watch the Eyes

Happy St. Valentine's Day!

To add to the richness of the day, here are some thoughts about marriages that make it over the long haul. Thoughts on humor, the eyes, on respect. Rob Bell's got more great stuff in Sex God, and this was good for today.

The creator of the universe has a vested interest in this. God is for marriages.

And it must be protected at all costs, especially in the everyday, subtle sorts of ways. I've been around lots of couples who cut each other down in public, but it's all done in the name of humor.

"The ball and chain..."

"My old lady..."

"He isn't good for much, but I keep him anyway."

Whenever people talk like this, I always watch their eyes. Is this really all in good fun, or does it carry some truth? Most humor has truth in it.

You can tell when the marriage is in trouble. The jokes have an edge to them. The comments linger a bit too long on the negative.

And the eyes. Watch the eyes.

A friend of mine is a doctor who specializes in marriage and relational issues. He says that he can tell in a couple of seconds whether a marriage will last. Seriously, a couple of seconds. This is a science called thin slicing, and he's incredibly accurate in his predictions. He says it's all about respect. How he looks at her. How she looks at him. He insists that a few seconds of observing how a couple looks at each other is all he needs to know if the marriage will make it.

Maybe there's another reason why wedding ceremonies are so moving. Watch their eyes. They respect each other.

And then often something happens over time. The ground becomes less holy. And they begin to look at each other differently.

Instead of the initial, "Out of all the people in the world, I chose you!" it becomes, "Out of all the people in the world, I chose you?"

Catch the Foxes

Cute foxes, eh? Unless, of course you are the owner of a vineyard. Foxes have a nasty record of slipping into the fields at night and nibbling on the tender shoots, gobbling up the plump grapes, and sometimes destroying century old vines. Argh, those cute little foxes!

What are the foxes in your life? What is eating away at your marriage? What is nibbling away at your friendships? What is destroying the good and beautiful and true and free in your home?

The greatest song of the Hebrew Scriptures is attributed to a young king named Solomon. He discovers in one of his vast vineyards a beautiful woman. She is brown from the sun, dirty fingernails, windtangled hair, and to Solomon she is the great desire of his life. Together they write a poem about their surging and tender love for each other as they prepare for marriage. Their song has became THE song for Jewish men and women coming together as husband and wife.

Have you ever read the Song of Songs? You should. Here's some of it:
She
Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth—
for your love is more delightful than wine.
Pleasing is the fragrance of your perfumes;
your name is like perfume poured out.
No wonder the young women love you!
Take me away with you—let us hurry!
Let the king bring me into his chambers.

He
How beautiful you are, my darling!
Oh, how beautiful!
Your eyes are doves.

She
How handsome you are, my beloved!
Oh, how charming!
And our bed is verdant.

She
I am a rose of Sharon,
a lily of the valleys.

He
Like a lily among thorns
is my darling among the young women.

Arise, my darling,
my beautiful one, come with me.

See! The winter is past;
the rains are over and gone.
Flowers appear on the earth;
the season of singing has come,
the cooing of doves is heard in our land.
The fig tree forms its early fruit;
the blossoming vines spread their fragrance.

Arise, come, my darling;
my beautiful one, come with me.

She
Catch for us the foxes,
the little foxes
that ruin the vineyards,
our vineyards that are in bloom.

My beloved is mine and I am his;
he browses among the lilies.
Until the day breaks and the shadows flee,
turn, my beloved, and be like a gazelle
or like a young stag on the rugged hills.

This poetry is sexual, sensual, dramatic, personal, playful, and enduring.  It's a vivid image of what love can look like between a husband and wife. And it's necessary to see, amidst the longing and desire the observation of the woman to the man: catch the foxes.

Foxes sneak into the home and hearts of a family and do their dark work of destruction. They nibble and break and wreck. The owners of the vineyard not only must work to catch the foxes (an unending task...), but they must also repair and restore the damage done to the vines.

A husband and wife will always have more work to do on their life together - the foxes come and go and do their damage, and there will always be wounds that need healed. Of course you must attempt to catch the foxes! Vigilance and protection are necessary and ongoing. But what do you do when the foxes still break through?

It's common to get tired of always fixing hearts in a home. How many times can you handle hearing the word "sorry?" How many times must you forgive for the same offense? Seven times? And what do you do when you discover you were the fox? There is always more work to do within yourself and in your home to repent, repair, restore and renew the damage of the foxes. You must find the energy to work to catch the foxes. And when you don't, you must turn around and tend to the wreckage.

What are some of the foxes that sneak in and ruin the good in your heart and home?
Your anger.
Your lust.
Your expectations.
Your pride.
Your busyness.
Your silence.
Your greed and envy and coveting.
Your fears.

Foxes are hard to catch. But the damage becomes obvious with the morning light. When you discover that the foxes have been at work in your home and heart, you must get to work. Immediately.

And what work would that be?
Love.

Love is patient and kind. It does not envy or boast, it is not proud.
Love is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, and it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
Love always protects.
Love always trusts.
Love always hopes.
Love always perseveres.

Love. never. fails.

Catch the Foxes!

We Can Always Find Time...

We are all overworked and tired and the bad conscience over things that we cannot do wearies us as much as the things we can do.

Living means choosing.

But do we always choose freely and consciously? Is our choice not frequently forced on us by circumstances, by our faint-heartedness, our habits or even our guilts?

What do you feel guilty about these days?

I'm re-reading through a book called Guilt and Grace by Dr. Paul Tournier. It's prompting me to think of how guilt shapes my life. As I consider the influence of guilt in my life, the list gets longer and longer.

Guilt is profoundly a relational issue. I feel guilty for not spending enough time with Tara. I feel guilty for not spending enough time with Emma, Levi, Isaac and Eli. I feel guilty for not spending enough time with my parents, my brother and his family, Tara's family, and my friends. I feel guilty for not spending enough time with members of Anchor. I feel guilty for not spending enough time alone. I feel guilty for not reading the books on my shelf I bought. I feel guilty for being overweight. I feel guilty for not doing enough to get healthier. I feel guilty for feeling guilty. Argh!!!

We can always find time to do what we really wish to do.

When I have a lecture to prepare, or a piece of work like this study, I always promise myself to take my time and do it carefully. Then I keep putting it off, I have difficulty in settling down to it, just because I am very keen on doing it well and am afraid of failing. I find all sorts of other things to do first.

Does this describe you? It describes me profoundly. Especially when it comes to my sermon preparation.

The subtle thing about this is that by wasting time, I am building up a sense of guilt which I need to drive me to work. It is as though I were building up the power of an auxiliary motor which will get me moving. On the eve of the lecture a moment will come when I shall feel so conscience stricken at having prepared it so badly that I shall rush to it, just as one must jump into the water from a burning ship. It will be a kind of excuse for the inadequacy of my work: it is a pity if it is less good than I would have wished, but I must be satisfied with what can be done in a hurry.

These paragraphs are convicting to me. And guilt-inducing. Sigh. But it is the truth, and that is important to face.

Time belongs to God, and we are stewards of time, we are responsible to him for every minute that he gives us. We all feel that if we listened to Him more carefully, our lives would be more harmonious.

And less driven by guilt. And more by grace.

Are you aware of the ways that guilt is driving your life?
What would your list look like?

Sunday Sermon Notes 1.17.10

So, chosen by God for this new life of love, dress in the wardrobe God picked out for you:
compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, discipline.
Be even-tempered, content with second place, quick to forgive an offense.
Forgive as quickly and completely as the Master forgave you.
And regardless of what else you put on, wear love.
It's your basic, all-purpose garment. Never be without it.

Let the peace of Christ keep you in tune with each other, in step with each other.
None of this going off and doing your own thing. And cultivate thankfulness.
Let the Word of Christ—the Message—have the run of the house.
Give it plenty of room in your lives.
Instruct and direct one another using good common sense.
And sing, sing your hearts out to God!
Let every detail in your lives—words, actions, whatever—be done in the name of the Master, Jesus, thanking God the Father every step of the way
Colossians 3v12-17

When it comes to the differences between men and women, instead of it being a point of celebration, it's often fuel for stereotyping. The differences become obscured and become a source of confinement rather than a catalyst for more creative and beneficial work. Thus it is common to assign traits to men or women that are really gender-neutral. And, by over-focusing on gender-differences, we neglect the more important work of how to getting in tune with each other, how to stay in step with each other.

...we're one, but we're not the same,
we've got to carry each other...

Opposites attract - we know that. We also know that opposites can annoy. Similarities in people can be a point of solidarity, but also a source of clashes. When it comes to relationships between men and women - whether in the workplace, school, church, or at home - we can't take gender issues out of the equation, but when it comes to relationships, gender is a factor. Especially when it comes to communication - always an essential component of healthy relationships.

Thinking and talking are partly a function of the brain, and when it comes to what makes people different, it can be helpful to explore what makes left-brained and right-brained people different. Interestingly, women are able to use their whole-brain much more easily then men. Male brains are bigger, but have less connectors between the two halves; female brains have an over-abundance of connectors, allowing them to use left and right brain functions when it comes to communication in particular.

What's interesting with the list below is that it includes traits that often get attached to gender issues, but in fact are primarily a brain-function.

LEFT BRAIN FUNCTIONS  -----  RIGHT BRAIN FUNCTIONS
uses logic .............................................................  uses feeling

detail oriented
  ......................................  "big picture" oriented
facts rule
  ....................................................   
imagination rules
words and language 
 ................................  symbols and images
present and past  .........................................  present and future
math and science  ...............................  philosophy and religion
can comprehend
  .............................  can "get it" (i.e. meaning)
knowing
  ...............................................................  believes
acknowledges
  .......................................................  appreciates
order/pattern perception  ..............................  spatial perception
knows object name
  .............................  knows object function
reality based .......................................................  fantasy based 
forms strategies  .......................................  presents possibilities
practical  .............................................................  impetuous
safe  .....................................................................  risk taking

Here's a brief assignment: make a choice on which list best describes your behavior. This will reveal to you whether you operate primarily out of your right brain or left brain when it comes to choices, communication, completing tasks and involvement in relationships.

Second brief assignment: who are the top ten or fifteen or twenty people in your life at home, school, work, church, etc who influence you, who affect you, or for whom you are responsible for, have authority over, etc. Mark down which side of the brain they tend to operate out of.

As you compare and contrast the different important people in your life in regard to right brain and left brain tendencies, does this help explain some situations, some conflicts, some attractions, some experiences?

* How does this knowledge help create new possibilities for improving some male/female relationships in your life?

* What are some differences between males/female relationships that you can better appreciate?

* How does this knowledge help you develop a new strategy for how you will improve some of the male/female relationships in your life at home, at work, at school, at church, etc.?

* What’s a practical step you can take this week, based on your new knowledge, that will help improve your male/female relationships?

The goal of all this analysis and reflection and changing is to let the peace of Jesus Christ rule in our hearts and homes. It is really hard work to be in tune with all the influential people in our life. The closer we work with someone, the more we rely on someone, the more expectations we have for someone, the harder it is to stay in step. So, we must keep working, keep learning, keep maturing, keep listening, keep realigning our walk with the way of Jesus - the way of peace.

The Healing of Persons: Conflict in Marriage

It is only when a husband and wife pray together before God that they find the secret of true harmony, that the difference in their temperaments, their ideas, and their tastes enriches their home instead of endangering it. There will be no further question of one imposing his will on the other, or of the other giving in for the sake of peace. Instead, they will together seek God's will, which alone will ensure that each will be able fully to develop his or her personality.

In every argument between a husband and a wife there are apparent causes: conflicting ideas, opinions, ideals, and tastes. But behind these apparent causes there are real ones: lack of love, touchiness, fear, jealousy, self-centeredness, impurity, and lack of sincerity. Indeed, one may say that there are not marital-problems; there are only individual problems.

When each of the marriage partners seeks quietly, before God, to see his own faults, recognizes his own sin, and asks the forgiveness of the other, marital problems are no more. Each learns to speak the other's language, and to meet him halfway, so to speak. Each holds back those harsh little words which one is apt to utter when one is right, but which are said in order to injure. Most of all, a couple rediscovers complete mutual confidence, because, in meditating in prayer together, they learn to become absolutely honest with each other.

- Paul Tournier, The Healing of Persons, pg 88

Sunday Sermon Notes - 02.15.09

Listen…to each other

…[the husband] must love his wife…
and the wife must respect her husband.
Ephesians 5v22-33 [TNIV]

Since it is St. Valentine's Day Weekend, it's worth addressing the obvious need for husbands and wives to listen to each other. St. Paul draws a subtle distinction between the needs that married men and women have: a married man needs his wife to respect him, and a married woman needs her husband to love her. While we can agree on that need, sometimes we have a hard time grasping a specific action that can clearly reveal that love and respect. I think listening to each other is one such specific action.

It could be stated like this:
Husbands: Love Your Wife – Listen to Her!
Wives: Respect Your Husband – Listen to Him!

When a husband feels understood, he feels respected. When a wife feels understood, she feels loved. So why is it that husbands and wives, and people in general, resist putting in the work of listening to each other? There are plenty of reasons, but three that I think are prominent are these:
• angry with each other
• afraid
• self-absorbed

After awhile, anybody in a relationship will sin against the other person. Since listening is such an everyday event, and it is something that so many people eventually fail at, there are plenty of opportunities for a couple to sin against each other through their non-listening. Non-listening due to anger, fear, or self-absorption increases sin, it wounds, it hurts. So what can you do if you are feeling the effects of the non-listening that has been going on in your relationship?

Start listening out of love, start listening out of respect. The act of listening can bring healing. St. Peter states it like this:
Above all, [listen to] love each other deeply, because [listening] love covers over a multitude of sins.
1 Peter 4v8 [TNIV]

Listening as an act of love/respect…
• heals
• restores
• strengthens

Families don’t crumble in a day…
You've maybe heard the Casting Crown song; and it's true that people don't crumble in a day - it happens as a result of each little choice made every day. The good news? You can stop the crumbling and rebuild! But you must do it Jesus' way. His is the way of love and respect, of listening with your whole heart and head.

Here's another way to think about it - Listen as an act of love/respect by:
• listening to understand
• listening without judging/condemning
• listening with courage
• listening with patience
• listening with kindness

What's our Example for loving/respecting each other?
Husbands: Love your wife just as Christ loves the church – he poured himself out for the church.
Listen to your wife just as Jesus listens to you

Wives: Respect your husband just as you respect Christ –
Listen to your husband just as you are to listen to Jesus

We don't give love/respect/listening because the other person deserves it - we give it because of our connection to Jesus. Jesus instructs us - commands us - shows us how to love the other in our life. This helps you break free from the bad cycle of revenge and bitterness. It introduces the element of grace, which is the gateway to peace.

COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING CALLS FOR PERSONAL SUBMISSION TO JESUS CHRIST. – Paul Tournier

To Understand Each Other

Listen.

That's a word/action that is pretty important to me right now.

Paul Tournier's book: To Understand Each Other is one of the best on the subject of listening and understanding. Listening is only the first step, the next step is to seek to understand what you hear. Wisdom is the step after that - knowing what to do with what you understand. Tournier's book is full of wisdom concerning the tasks of listening and understanding.

I've bought a bunch of used copies of the book for my friends at Anchor - I hope they get snatched up quickly.

Here's a list of the short/concise chapters - which also, by the way, give you a clear overview of the book and the theme of understanding.

To Achieve Understanding,
We Need to Want it

To Achieve Understanding,
We Need to Express Ourselves

To Achieve Understanding,
We Need Courage

To Achieve Understanding,
We Need to Love

To Achieve Understanding,
We Need to Accept Our Natural Differences

To Achieve Understanding,
We Must Admit How Greatly the Sexes Differ

To Achieve Understanding,
We Must Admit Our Differences in Love Itself

We Need to Understand
in Order to Help Each Other

In Order to Understand,
We Need to Grasp the Importance of the Past

Complete Understanding
Calls for Personal Submission to Jesus Christ

How do you help save a marriage?

This is the question I've been trying to answer lately...alot.

It's a good question, but it does me no good to keep asking it...I must find some good answers. Thanks to so many men and women who also are asking that question, there are alot of good answers out there. There are many that I have found, one in particular has been very helpful.

Divorce Busting is a book and organization started by Michele Weiner-Davis in her effort to stop divorces. She's brilliant, passionate, and really good. Click here for a series of really good articles, tips to help you help a couple save their marriage.

If you have any friends who are getting a divorce, thinking about it, or possibly headed there, if you see it, and care about it, know that you can do something about it. You may not know what to do, but if you check out the Divorce Busting material, you will be very encouraged and better equipped in the basics.

I work hard to increase my knowledge and skills to better help couples save and improve their marriage. If I can do it, so can you. It's not a matter of intelligence or talent, but of will and heart. If you see a need, and it moves you, there is something you can do.

Oh, and if you want, I have some of her books available in my study as well as in the Anchor Library. And you can buy them on Amazon.com, used, for an affordable price. Not that price should keep you from buying a book that could help you help a friend save his or her marriage.

Marriages in America

Spent the afternoon trying to help a worried wife salvage her marriage. The cops were called. Stood in the living room of a red-eyed couple, holding a cooing baby, and a policeman handing over their domestic nightmare to the local pastor. Then we spent an emotional hour together, me praying like crazy while the couple cried and pleaded, defended and mourned...

Then I get home and go out on a date with my wife and three boys, we have a fun time at Panera, we get tasty drinks at Starbucks, and then play at the fountain. The contrast couldn't have been more stark. I almost feel guilty for enjoying my family so much, having previously spent time with a family that is barely hanging together. I wonder: in what way can the joys and strengths of my family benefit this wounded and scared couple?

Obviously it would be easier for my family to isolate itself, spend the bulk of the time with other healthy families so that we can be even more healthy. But what about the decaying and fraying marriages all around us, the ones we cluck our tongues at when they make a scene at the checkoutline? We can offer up a prayer for them as we walk briskly away to the safety of our oversized and overpriced vehicle...but what does that do to our soul? How healthy is my family if we are isolated from the tear-wracked marriages around us?

Stats (somewhere from Barna) state that the more often you attend a church service, the more likely your marriage will last; the less likely you attend church, the more likely your marriage will fail. Once you get divorced, the odds go way up that you will get divorced again. So if healthy families are regularly attending church, what obligation do they have to go out of their way to help unhealthy families get to church more often?

Can the goal of building a healthy family become an idol for a Christian home if it is simultaneous with a neglect for the struggling and stranded families in the neighborhood?

Is God pleased with a healthy family if it is isolated from unhealthy families?

How intentional should churches be about attracting and keeping unhealthy families in their sphere of influence and love?

And what is it about regular attendance in a good church that makes for stronger families?

Happy Two-Month Anniversary Rick & Jamie!

This afternoon I was going through notes and sheafs of papers on my desk. I found the notes from Rick and Jamie's wedding on Friday June 1st. Instead of filing it somewhere in obscurity, I thought I'd post it here - a way for me to remember them and God's beautiful work in their life together.

Congrats Rick and Jamie, may God bless our world through you!
***********************

Eleven years ago I became Jamie's youth pastor. She was a cute middle-school girl, quiet yet thoughtful, fun-hearted and kind. There are many fond memories of hauling Jamie and her friends and brothers around town. She could turn into quite a chatterbox, such that I'd get so distracted and stop at green lights and run through red lights!

Jamie played a key role in the start-up of our church. She was a core member of Anchor's new youth ministry; she invited her friends, she took the lessons seriously, she rolled her eyes at my jokes and let out exasperated sighs at my crazy games we played. She and her family were there for me when my brother Matt died, and Tara and I have been there for Jamie and her family when her family has had to cry.

Jamie - Tara and I care deeply for you, we are delighted with you, we smile when we think of you and thank God for how you've let Him guide you and now lead you into the arms of Rick.

Song of Songs 8 (TNIV)
6 Place me like a seal over your heart,
like a seal on your arm;
for love is as strong as death,
its jealousy unyielding as the grave.
It burns like blazing fire,
like a mighty flame

7 Many waters cannot quench love;
rivers cannot sweep it away.
If one were to give
all the wealth of one's house for love,
it would be utterly scorned.

I ran into Chuck Marseilles the other day. He reminded me of how you and Rick first met, and your first project together: the "in-tents camping trip". You are here today with a new assingment with Rick, not to create a multimedia project for a in-tents camping trip, but to create a marriage that brings glory to God and joy to you.

Proverbs 3 (TNIV)
1 My son, do not forget my teaching,
but keep my commands in your heart,
2 for they will prolong your life many years
and bring you peace and prosperity.

3 Let love and faithfulness never leave you;
bind them around your neck,
write them on the tablet of your heart.

4 Then you will win favor and a good name
in the sight of God and humankind.

5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.

I charge you, Jamie Lynn Knuth, to pitch together with Rick an in-tents marriage.

I charge you to love Rick best by loving Christ more.

I charge you to always believe Rick when he tells you that you are beautiful, intelligent, savvy, compassionate, and fiercly loyal.

I charge you to be one with Rick, to complete him, to be God's help to him. Often, when Rick asks God for help in life and ministry, He will answer the prayer with, "Listen to your wife."

I charge you to learn from your past, to gain wisdom from your mistakes, to forgive Rick and all who sin against you, and to never stop living by God's Word.

I charge you to revel in Rick, God's Gift to you.

I charge you Jamie Lynn Knuth to become a wife to Rick that brings glory to God and joy to all.

Kierkegaard on Suffering and Obedience

Kierkegaard cites this Scripture, Hebrews 5:8 "Jesus learned obedience from what he suffered."

He then makes this observation: "Now, if obedience directly followed suffering, it would be easy to learn. But learning obedience is not that easy. Humanly viewed, suffering is dangerous. But even more terrible is failing to learn obedience! Yes suffering is a dangerous schooling, but only if you do not learn obedience - ah, then it is terrible, just as when the most powerful medicine has the wrong reaction. In this danger a person needs God's help; otherwise he does not learn obedience. And if he does not learn this, then he may learn what is most corrupting: to learn craven despondency, learn to quench the spirit, learn to deaden any noble fervor in it, learn defiance and despair."
- pg 162, Provocations

The past few months have included many conversations with couples that are struggling to stay together, some are on the brink of dissolution, others are trying to stop the pain, and a few are just trying to figure out how to be happy together. What they all have in common is suffering, and they also include heavy doses of disobedience. There is this tenuous and beautiful moment available to each couple: in the suffering they have inflicted upon themselves and each other, they can gain wise insight into their own life and surrender their situation to Jesus. To obey is to love God more than the other or even themself, and to obey is to love the other like Christ loves the church, and to submit to one another like the church submits to Christ. To obey is to love with unending patience, generous kindness, avoidance of arrogance and boasting, death to envy and jealousy. To obey is to yield your will to the desires and wants of God.

The suffering that these couples are enduring could produce in them an obedient, yielded spirit to Jesus - which could bring about an end to that kind of suffering and make possible a kind of joy with each other that is both mature, wise, and lasting. But every couple needs to take stock of their contribution to the ongoing suffering they experience in their marriage, and consider who their disobedience is fueling the pain, and how the suffering could be used by God to bring about obedience and joy and redemption.

Kierkegaard goes on to write: " Without suffering you cannot really learn obedience. In the school of suffering...we learn the difficult lesson that it is indeed God who still rules, despite the suffering. This is the key to finding rest in your suffering. There is only one way in which rest is to be found: to let God rule in everything. Whatever else you might come to learn only pertains to how God has willed to rule. But as soon as unrest begins, the cause for it is due to your unwillingness to obey, your unwillingness to surrender yourselrf to God."
- pg 164, Provocations

Are you suffering? Be rigorous in your self-examination of how your disobedience has contributed to your pain. And then surrender to God's will.

Ideas for a better marriage...

Why do so many marriages end up in divorce?

Why do so many marriages, which never end up in divorce, have so much unhappiness?

According to the seminar today, it is for very simple, solvable reasons. Outside of drastic, awful, evil acts perpetrated upon a person, most unhappy, divorce-prone marriages can be a lot happier in a very short time.

What is the basic solution? Change one little thing about your routine, especially the routine that almost always lead to the conflict/unhappiness. Make the change of biting your tongue, or giving the hug anyway, or opening the door, or asking a question and then listening.

It is the Butterfly Effect for marriages.