With my Dad dying, I am obviously thinking about death a lot. I think about Dad's life, such as I remember it and know it, in light of his impending funeral. And I think about my life in connection with my Dad's life, and his dying. There is gratitude. There is respect. There is confusion. There are questions. And there is guilt.
To the degree that we forgo cultivating a vegetable gardening, that we buy canned and boxed food at a grocery chain-store, we rarely ever get the reminder to prepare for winter. Or death. Sure there are signposts, funerals of friends, tragic snuffing of life on the nightly news or Redbox movies. But does it lead to our rumination of a life well lived, of seeds well planted, of ground well prepared? Do we take seriously that at the end of the harvest is the cessation of work?
My Dad has planted many seeds during his almost eighty years of life. As a farmer, as a gardner, as a husband, as a pastor. As a son, as fruit of his seed, I contemplate the gift of life he made possible for me. And what am I doing with it? What am I doing with his gift, my life, and the story of his life. The wondering prompts guilt.
It's too easy to plough through the seasons oblivious to the rhythms of the Earth. To miss moments of planting, to skip over the days of cultivating, to ignore the weeding, to resist the waiting, to be distracted during harvest-time, and to misuse the rest and repair that winter offers. I feel like I've missed too many moments with my Dad. With a heart that is already grieving, it seeps with guilt - the finality of death illuminates moments wasted, questions unasked, stories unearthed.
And I will let the guilt prompt me to feel grace. Death has a way of causing us to grasp. And I feel it strongly. But...that for which I grasp, it was undeserved, a good gift from God. So while I feel guilty for not appreciating my Dad more, I take the next step of being thank-full for the gift of my Dad, that I could appreciate him and be blessed by him. Just another way my Dad's impending death helps me turn seeds of guilt into a basket of life-giving grace.